also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
