I cannot find my penis.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
