So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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