apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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