Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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