I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
