I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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