I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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