It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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