The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
tequila makes me forget i have legs
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
