Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
