Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
