Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
My life is pants optional.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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