good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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