I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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