There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
