don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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