they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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