Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
