i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i love accidental penises.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
