woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
areolas are like halos for boobs.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
