He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Are my feet made of real feet?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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