I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
