My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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