if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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