guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
