tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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