If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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