The best revenge is premature balding
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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