my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
