My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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