There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
