ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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