goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
