all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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