i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
