I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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