Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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