thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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