I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You have to summon your inner elephant
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
