dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
please come you make the beer taste better
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
