I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
