Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
