I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Randomize
