I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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