OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
