don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Randomize
