And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
