I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
