So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
