There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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