I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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