You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
